It's crazy to think that in just a few short months, Carson will be 4! I can't believe that 4 years has passed by in what seems like a blink of an eye (and not so much a blink at the same time as I really can't envision my life before him). In 4 years he has taught me SO much about myself. Like what my pain threshold really is, what I am REALLY capable of, what FEAR really looks like, what unconditional LOVE is all about, what REALLY MESSY is, what it means to feel pure, unequivocal JOY.
With that JOY I have also learned there is also so, so much more. More feelings, more introspect, more house work (lol), more love, more noise, more second guessing, more bills...more of EVERYTHING!!
Every feeling, task, emotion, and decision is heightened on so many levels. Gone are the days of randomly taking off on a road trip or making that extravagant purchase on a whim, skiing that Black Diamond or pulling an all-nighter. I swear that during some of my day-to-day decisions, I will literally see 4 beautiful blue-eyes staring back at me while silently screaming, "but is this good for us Mommy?" or "are you making that decision with our best intentions?". The "angel" on my shoulder takes on a whole new meaning! Now I hear two kiddo's voices and those are much more powerful than any angel's, let me tell you.
Is being a Mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me? Of course it is, no question! Is it the hardest thing I have ever done? Yes, NO questions! And yes, I fully admit, I get green with envy to those women in my life who are able to travel on a whim, have last minute happy hours and can shop til' they drop.
In 4 short years my life has transformed in so many exponentially beautiful and unassuming ways. I really never knew what to expect as a first time Mom. The questions that always came to mind, "Will I be good enough, will I be ENOUGH, will I make the right decisions for their well being?"
Four years and two kiddos later I have finally come to the realization that my love is enough…for them. While I will never be a perfect mother…I am perfect enough for them. While I am trying to navigate motherhood…I am navigating it not on my own, but with them and we are teaching each other along the way. I DON'T have to have all of the answers and that is OKAY! Sometimes you are gonna have a bad day…tomorrow will be better. And sometimes if you are lucky enough a really wonderful moment will erase an ENTIRE "bad day" - it's true as crazy as that sounds!
I've also learned that it's okay to be envious of other Mom's that seem to have it all together, but also to realize they have struggles too. I've also realized that it is good to want more and to have goals, but while trying to achieve those I have learned to give myself grace and know that I am doing the best that I can right now.
I think as Mom's we are so incredibly hard on ourselves and we don't give nearly enough credit where credit is due. So while those angels on your shoulder are asking you about making the right decisions and they ask is this good for us. Listen to those little angels when they say these things too…"dinner was really good, mommy", "thank you, mommy - I had so much fun at the park today", "mommy, you have sweet dreams", "read my favorite book, mommy", "you're the best mommy in world", "mommy, thank you for fixing my ouchie"…"mommy, I love you to the moon and back". Listen and remember those little voices…that's their way of saying, "Mommy you are enough."
While the demands of motherhood are never fully met, remember to fully embrace the present moment. Embrace the ups and the downs. Don't forget that you are the only Mommy that they know, imperfections and all, and they are better because of you.