How I am Feeling at the Moment...

I saw this post and is summed up how I have been feeling lately.  Watching my babies grow is amazing, but bittersweet at the same time...

You won't remember the way I stood in the bathroom late that night in labor with you, fearfully and excitedly gazing up at the moon, knowing I was going to bring you into the world soon and whispering to you, "We can do this."

You won't remember the way you looked at me right after you were born, or the way I pulled you up next to my heart and marveled "Hi, baby" in your ear.

You won't remember the way you healed my broken spirit. The way you completed my heart. I was weak before I had you, and you made me whole again.

You won't remember the way I proudly watched you everywhere we went, you were always the most beautiful boy in the room to me.

You won't remember the way you made me laugh with all of the silly things you did. I saw how kind your heart was.

You won't remember the way I would brush the hair off of your forehead and the way you'd look up at me. Without any words, our souls could touch and say everything to each other that words couldn't.

You won't remember the tickle fests we had, and how I always cheated so I could hold you close and cover your salty little face in kisses.

You won't remember all the times I went to bed at night and felt such fear being your mother: Am I doing okay? Have I messed up too many times already? Can I be the kind of mother he needs?

You won't remember the way my heart broke and grew a little bigger each time you passed a milestone, watching the sand fall through the hourglass while feeling overjoyed witnessing you expand and grow.

You won't remember the way I would hold your little feet in my hands, imagining how much bigger than my own feet they will one day grow, and how I will have to let you go.

You won't remember, but I will... and I'll hold these memories in my heart for the both of us.

The Angels on my Shoulder...

It's crazy to think that in just a few short months, Carson will be 4!  I can't believe that 4 years has passed by in what seems like a blink of an eye (and not so much a blink at the same time as I really can't envision my life before him).  In 4 years he has taught me SO much about myself.  Like what my pain threshold really is, what I am REALLY capable of, what FEAR really looks like, what unconditional LOVE is all about, what REALLY MESSY is, what it means to feel pure, unequivocal JOY.

With that JOY I have also learned there is also so, so much more. More feelings, more introspect, more house work (lol), more love, more noise, more second guessing, more bills...more of EVERYTHING!!

Every feeling, task, emotion, and decision is heightened on so many levels.  Gone are the days of randomly taking off on a road trip or making that extravagant purchase on a whim, skiing that Black Diamond or pulling an all-nighter.  I swear that during some of my day-to-day decisions, I will literally see 4 beautiful blue-eyes staring back at me while silently screaming, "but is this good for us  Mommy?" or "are you making that decision with our best intentions?".  The "angel" on my shoulder takes on a whole new meaning! Now I hear two kiddo's voices and those are much more powerful than any angel's, let me tell you.

Is being a Mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me?  Of course it is, no question!  Is it the hardest thing I have ever done? Yes, NO questions!  And yes, I fully admit, I get green with envy to those women in my life who are able to travel on a whim, have last minute happy hours and can shop til' they drop.

In 4 short years my life has transformed in so many exponentially beautiful and unassuming ways.  I really never knew what to expect as a first time Mom.  The questions that always came to mind, "Will I be good enough, will I be ENOUGH, will I make the right decisions for their well being?"

Four years and two kiddos later I have finally come to the realization that my love is enough…for them.  While I will never be a perfect mother…I am perfect enough for them.  While I am trying to navigate motherhood…I am navigating it not on my own, but with them and we are teaching each other along the way.  I DON'T have to have all of the answers and that is OKAY!  Sometimes you are gonna have a bad day…tomorrow will be better. And sometimes if you are lucky enough a really wonderful moment will erase an ENTIRE "bad day" - it's true as crazy as that sounds! 

I've also learned that it's okay to be envious of other Mom's that seem to have it all together, but also to realize they have struggles too.  I've also realized that it is good to want more and to have goals, but while trying to achieve those I have learned to give myself grace and know that I am doing the best that I can right now.  

I think as Mom's we are so incredibly hard on ourselves and we don't give nearly enough credit where credit is due.  So while those angels on your shoulder are asking you about making the right decisions and they ask is this good for us.  Listen to those little angels when they say these things too…"dinner was really good, mommy", "thank you, mommy - I had so much fun at the park today", "mommy, you have sweet dreams", "read my favorite book, mommy", "you're the best mommy in world", "mommy, thank you for fixing my ouchie"…"mommy, I love you to the moon and back".  Listen and remember those little voices…that's their way of saying, "Mommy you are enough."

While the demands of motherhood are never fully met, remember to fully embrace the present moment.  Embrace the ups and the downs.  Don't forget that you are the only Mommy that they know, imperfections and all, and they are better because of you.

And I have a hard time with Preschool…Oh Geez, what's to come?!

Written By: http://momastery.com/blog/2015/08/20/looking-at-the-sun/

WATCHING HIM WALK AWAY IS LIKE LOOKING RIGHT AT THE SUN

Aug 202015

I just dropped Chase off at middle school. MIDDLE SCHOOL.

Like I’ve been doing for three weeks now—I let him out of the car. I let him walk away from me and toward that huge building filled with PEOPLE AND DYNAMICS AND IDEAS and other horrible wonderful things that will break his heart and MAKE his heart and that I have no business trying to control. I let him walk toward a life that is HIS and not mine. Toward experiences that he is meant to have without me. Toward journeys he has to take alone.

Someone needs to create a word that describes what happens inside of a mama’s heart as she’s watching her child walk into a school building. We need a word for the feeling that overtakes her after saying goodbye to her infant who is somehow masquerading as a young MAN and who is walking away from her into his adolescent life. A word to describe the phenomena that is a mother sitting helplessly in her empty van while her heart silent screams her daily PLEASEPLEASEPLEASES!!! PLEASE be good to him. Please see his strengths and overlook his weaknesses. Please sit by him at lunch. Please smile back when he smiles. Please want to be his partner. Please be gentle. Pleasepleaseplease. PLEASE.

And how as she watches him walk away—toward the unknown of his day and away from the KNOWN of her (SO BRAVE! HOW DID HE GET SO BRAVE??? IS THIS LEVEL OF INSANE BRAVENESS EVEN WISE????) her head understands that the world is unfolding as it should. Her head KNOWS that all is well. That he is beginning his LIFE and that LIFE in all its bruty is what he came here for. And that he is ready. But her heart will not receive that memo. Her heart wants to run after him and pull him close and say:JUST JOKING HONEY! WE MADE A MISTAKE! THIS IS TOO MUCH! Come home and we will stay together forever and I will make sure that life NEVER HAPPENS TO YOU. Don’t worry. We will snuggle forever. Because I am not ready.

So she just sits in her empty van for a moment—holding up the car line for a split second too long. Her body is temporarily paralyzed, short circuited by the opposing messages from her head and her heart. The mixed messages SWARM her being and all at once she feels pride and fear and terror and excitement and hope and hopelessness and tenderness and ferocity and loss and gain. All these emotions swirl until her heart becomes so swollen that it threatens to escape out of her throat into tears and so she instructs herself to snap out of it. She shakes herself a bit. She breathes deeply and shrugs it all off and she drives away. And on her way home she tries to restore her heart to its original size by thinking of other things. Practical things. Because it’s all too much. Whatever that feeling is—it’s a lot like looking right at the sun. It’s simply too bright to stand for longer than a moment.

Is it love? Is the word love? Damn. Love wins but love hurts. 

Throwback Thursday: Originally published September 2014.

- See more at: http://momastery.com/blog/2015/08/20/looking-at-the-sun/#sthash.JZQGvehH.dpuf

Preslee is Walking and Official Other "Stuff"...

It has been awhile since I blogged and I have SO much to share!  Our Preslee girl is now officially walking, just shy of 15 months she decided that she was going to take that next step to independence.  It was so exciting to see her find that confidence and literally take the next step.  She is such a fun baby and feisty, lol!  Here are some fun Preslee facts at 15 months:

Loves to SCREAM and POINT! I have said numerous times that I am raising the next Mariah Carey.  The girl knows what she wants and will scream until she gets it (oh and points).  She loves her big brother so much and the more he rough plays with her the more she laughs and has fun.  She is very feisty and recently has started biting.  There is no sitting still for her through diaper changes or anything else for that matter.  She is a girl on the go and has always has a mission.  She loves to meet new friends and absolutely LOVES dogs and kitties.  Whenever she sees a doggy she says, "woof woof" and kitty she will point and in the sweetest voice say "mow mow".  Both Carson and Preslee have an infinity for animals.  Preslee loves to play with stacking and sorting toys and sometimes gets into brother's small Lego pieces.  We are working on that.  She is adventurous girl who loves to be outdoors…eating rocks, being on the grass, climbing toys, being on the swing (loves it), chewing on everything, smiling, laughing and talking.  A funny Preslee story, she will go into her room and open a drawer and pull out her clothes, then take a shirt and put it up to her head and try to "get dressed".  She does the same with shoes and tries to put them on her feet, so fun to watch.  She also pulls up her shirt and points at her belly button when you say, "show me your belly button". She waves and says "hi" and "bye bye", says "dada" and "mama".  She still loves her sleep and sleeps through the night and goes right down for the most part.  Her naps have now transitioned to one per day, usually between the hours of 11:30 to 2:30.  Then she will go down for the night around 8 pm.  She loves bath time and her Minnie Mouse ride on that ShaSha gave her for her first birthday.  We just love this baby girl to pieces and all of the fun and excitement she adds to our family and life!

Carson update:  Just a few months to go until he is 4!!  His newest obsession is LEGOS!  He loves to build Lego sets with his Daddy and loves Lego men.  In fact he asked me the other day "who built me?" I wasn't sure of the question and he said, "you know like I build the Lego guy…who built me?" I replied, "you are half mommy and half daddy, and we both picked out every piece of you…then God gave you to us whole and you turned out to be just what we asked for and more." I am loving this age.  All of his inquisitiveness, zest for life, excitement about his passions (especially Legos), understanding what an allowance is, wanting to help with chores and his "Baby Testee" (yes that's what he calls her).  He loves his friends, cousins, new friends, mama, daddy, grandparents and aunts and uncles.  Carson is a family oriented person and enjoys being at home just as much as he enjoys an adventure (sometimes he prefers home).  Recently he went to swim lessons and his favorite part was going off the diving board.  He told me he wants to swim without wings!  I have high hopes for this kid…as I watch his intelligence flourish and social skills develop.  He is an amazing big brother and son, we are so lucky!!

We have had an amazing summer filled with family, friends and new adventures.  Fall is on the horizon and we are looking forward to having my sister and her family close as they just moved to Toledo!  So many amazing changes in the works.  Summer was amazing and life is good.

Here are some pics from the last few months:

Ready to JUMP! 

At our favorite playground going down the slide!

Last day of preschool…year one down and two more to go :)

Getting ready to run the Seattle Rock n Roll 8 k…go us!

Summer evening on the Kirkland waterfront. 

Twins with a top knot and a bow!

Cool Breeze

Preslee using the remote control as a phone and saying, "hi". 

Morning cartoons in bed. 

Pushing his "wolfies" around in a baby doll stroller.  This pic will be used at his HS graduation :).

4th of July with ShaSha at Lake Cushman.

Happy 4th from us! 

Our little family…far from perfect, but a work in progress. 

Sparklers with cousin, Amelia.

Just getting some sun at Hood Canal.

Met up with the Chapmans at Alderbrook on the Canal. 

Buddies!

End your day with a happy thought, a smile and grateful heart. 

We love the Chapmans. 

Playing at the beach house and decided to sit in the doll house. 

Happy Girl!

Celebrating Amira's 4th Birthday!

Ready for a walk to the park!

Me and my baby girl.

Cousin Max helping Preslee take some steps at Hood Canal.

Playing trucks!

Giles Cousins

Silly faces!

Hey Mom, "Uncle JD brought Busch Light…wasn't that your favorite in college?" LOL!

Favorite meal, spaghetti!

Hot tubbing' at ShaSha and Grandpa Dan's 

Ice cream with cousins Mak and Morgann.

Life on the farm; pants are dirty and there is a lot of water and smiles!

What can I say, my kids like to eat rocks…yep!

more rocks!

Trying on Mommy's hat.

Daddy and Carson puddle jumping on our first rainy, summer day in a long time!

Serious mission 

Our version of "pool time" 

Water table fun!

Carson asked me to take a picture of his Lego Men and Batmobile he built with Daddy.

This day they played with Legos for two hours straight…no stopping!

My pretty baby girl

Oh the places you'll go!

Love both of these beauties.

Taylor Swift concert!

TS 1989 Tour at Century Link - MaKenna's first concert!

Love these girls so very much!

This is what 8 looks like…isn't she so pretty!  

Carson and Bill at the Rainiers game. 

The boys taking in the game!  Family time…Steph and family just moved to farm this weekend!

Me and my Baby Daddy

I think she likes the view from Grandpa Dan's shoulders!! 

SISTER ACT!!!!!